Tonight's episode was all about the overnight dates in Switzerland. I have to say that Switzerland looks breathtaking and I would love to add it the list of places I would love to travel to. Ok back to the the topic at hand Ben finding everlasting love and if any of the final three girls won't put out!
Nicki has the first date and they take if you can guess by now....the cherished helicopter ride over the Swiss Alps. Totally beautiful but I would have been thinking that one big gust of wind and Ben might not have had to eliminate anyone. Nicki is fine, I don't know she seems normal enough, sweet enough but they seem more like friends and I don't see any real chemistry or sparks between the two of them. Plus I feel like she talks a lot, I mean a lot and mostly what is coming out of her mouth bores me. I am thinking it's possible Ben kept her after the hometown date was because he actually liked her dad more than Kacie B.
Date number two goes to Lindze, whom yes may be very tan but I really like her. I do have to say that she is a good sport and must really want that Neil Lane ring because she gets the worst dates every time. From jumping out of helicopters into the ocean and now catapulting down a cliff, I would definitely be pissed. Lindze has definitely let her guard down and I can see that Ben does like her and thinks they are compatible. He has said he likes her family and can definitely see a life with her and what a good and smooth transition it would be. So I think he is saying that Lindze is the safe bet.
Courtney's date was the last and they took a train ride through the country-side and had a picnic. That is all I can really say because watching them pick out bread and blogging about that...well your reading it, it's boring. Ben and Courtney do discuss her attitude with the other girls and Courtney does kind of apologize, but I do believe this is solely based on the fact that she knows this could be a reason she won't be "winning" Ben's Neil Lane engagement ring.
All three woman happily accepted Ben's invite to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. I mean Ben has an important decision to make here and who buys a car without test driving it first.
Kacie B. arrives in Switzerland looking for answers from Ben on why he eliminated her. (On a side note the Swiss water must agree with Kacie B, her hair has never looked better.) Back to the point, what can Ben say...your dad is a freak and your mom said we can't shack up if we aren't married. I personally still like Kacie B. and feel badly for her but I do think she is too innocent for Ben. She probably would not have accepted his invite to forgo her own room for the fantasy suite. Kacie tries again to warn Ben about Courtney and I do believe this is genuine. I wonder if Kacie B. is still laying on the floor of the hotel.
Ben seems in turmoil as he heads to the Rose Ceremony, he can't stop staring at the pictures of the three woman he "may" be falling in love with. Enter Chris Harrison who can tell that Ben seems upset tonight and tries to "shrink" talk him through this very difficult time. Ben seems to show confusion and angst about the Courtney situation but not enough to eliminate her and send her away with a case of his finest wine. Instead Nicki is set free back into the real world. She definitely is emotional but only sheds tears no swearing at the camera and sentencing herself to a life alone. Bravo Nicki!!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
What the F@!# Just Happened???
Hometown Dates Week Y'all!!!
This week was the all important hometown dates. Ben travels to the four remaining ladies hometowns and get to meet their families. I don't know about anyone else but I would rather have to share a room with Courtney for a night then bring someone to my parents home as an adult.
First up Lindze, Ben travels to Florida for his visit gets greeted by Lindze on horseback just like their first introduction many many moons ( lol weeks) ago. They go horseback riding and this being Lindze's element it was nice to see her and Ben and how seemingly natural it was for them. Lindze's parents seemed like everyday normal people and I think it was sweet that they got married in the same place and Ben and Lindze's first date in San Francisco. On a side not it made me chuckle that Lindze's dads name is Harry Cox..why? because I am immature.
Kacie B.
Well I have really liked Kacie B. throughout the season but as soon as the band started playing and I saw this grown woman twirling a baton I knew things would turn south quickly. The first time she did this on their first date was cute this time around it was embarrassing. From here things went from bad to worse, boring talk at the football field about her grandfather being into the community blah blah blah...go away. Then her semi -warning to Ben about her overprotective parents..Alert Alert..Red Flag!!! I don't really understand overprotective parents once you are in your mid twenties, maybe if she was getting into a relationship while on celebrity rehab but this is The Bachelor. Loved the irony that her dad doesn't drink while Ben is a wine-maker, and unless you can't drink for medical reasons or addiction this scares me. So Ben meets Kacie B.'s parents and right away you could tell that Ben was uncomfortable , the mom telling him that she does not approve of them living together even if he chooses her and they are engaged. So no shacking up Ben. Thanks mom and Dad you just signed Kacie B up for the limo ride walk of shame. Assholes!!
Hee Haw it's off to Texas to meet up with Nicki. I really wasn't feeling Nicki up to this point but I liked this date. Nicki and Ben went shopping for cowboy gear, who doesn't love shopping and dressing up. Nicki was very open about her divorce and Ben has said he appreciates the honesty. It was also great to see Nicki's family getting along so well even though her parents have been divorced for some time. I have to admit I too like Ben really liked Nicki's dad and felt sad for him that he blamed herself for her first marriage failing. Nicki made sure that Ben knew how she felt about him before he left. Nicki seems mature and put together but ultimately I don't think that Ben will choose her.
Final Date...Crazytown, AZ. Ben and Courtney's hometown date we definitely see another side to her when she is with her family. She seems sincere regarding her feelings for Ben but one can never tell if she is being truthful or just has her eye on the prize and will play it for the cameras and to "win". I found out where she gets her annoying baby voice and body ticks from since her mother spewed out the same annoying tone. The family seemed a bit fake and a tad stepford like. Courtney then decided to take Ben to a park where she told him she always dreamed of getting married and decided they would have a faux wedding. This was incredibly awkward and to me juvenile especially watching Courtney fidget like and 8 year old about to give a speech in front of the class. She is bizarre.
As much as each week I complain about evil Courtney/Sybil this season would be boring if she wasn't on it. I mean who doesn't love a twisted evil psycho like the rest of us. She is last seasons Bentley.
Rose Ceremony
With only four girls remaining and these dates being so personal because now family is involved this was going to get emotional. Ben seemed genuinely nervous about hurting someone but this is how the show works he can't keep them all this show isn't called "Big Love". So roses to Courtney, Lindze and Nicki...oh no Kacie B. Anyone see when Nicki and Lindze are hugging her and Courtney doesn't know what to so on the side.
I thought that possibly Kacie B would be able to keep it together, nope I was dead wrong. Not only did we have the sobbing in the limo but our sweet sweet Kacie B was yelling into the camera, "What the F@$% just happened? and again "What the f#$!@ just happened?
You know what happened Kacie B. your parents just screwed you big time!!
This week was the all important hometown dates. Ben travels to the four remaining ladies hometowns and get to meet their families. I don't know about anyone else but I would rather have to share a room with Courtney for a night then bring someone to my parents home as an adult.
First up Lindze, Ben travels to Florida for his visit gets greeted by Lindze on horseback just like their first introduction many many moons ( lol weeks) ago. They go horseback riding and this being Lindze's element it was nice to see her and Ben and how seemingly natural it was for them. Lindze's parents seemed like everyday normal people and I think it was sweet that they got married in the same place and Ben and Lindze's first date in San Francisco. On a side not it made me chuckle that Lindze's dads name is Harry Cox..why? because I am immature.
Kacie B.
Well I have really liked Kacie B. throughout the season but as soon as the band started playing and I saw this grown woman twirling a baton I knew things would turn south quickly. The first time she did this on their first date was cute this time around it was embarrassing. From here things went from bad to worse, boring talk at the football field about her grandfather being into the community blah blah blah...go away. Then her semi -warning to Ben about her overprotective parents..Alert Alert..Red Flag!!! I don't really understand overprotective parents once you are in your mid twenties, maybe if she was getting into a relationship while on celebrity rehab but this is The Bachelor. Loved the irony that her dad doesn't drink while Ben is a wine-maker, and unless you can't drink for medical reasons or addiction this scares me. So Ben meets Kacie B.'s parents and right away you could tell that Ben was uncomfortable , the mom telling him that she does not approve of them living together even if he chooses her and they are engaged. So no shacking up Ben. Thanks mom and Dad you just signed Kacie B up for the limo ride walk of shame. Assholes!!
Hee Haw it's off to Texas to meet up with Nicki. I really wasn't feeling Nicki up to this point but I liked this date. Nicki and Ben went shopping for cowboy gear, who doesn't love shopping and dressing up. Nicki was very open about her divorce and Ben has said he appreciates the honesty. It was also great to see Nicki's family getting along so well even though her parents have been divorced for some time. I have to admit I too like Ben really liked Nicki's dad and felt sad for him that he blamed herself for her first marriage failing. Nicki made sure that Ben knew how she felt about him before he left. Nicki seems mature and put together but ultimately I don't think that Ben will choose her.
Final Date...Crazytown, AZ. Ben and Courtney's hometown date we definitely see another side to her when she is with her family. She seems sincere regarding her feelings for Ben but one can never tell if she is being truthful or just has her eye on the prize and will play it for the cameras and to "win". I found out where she gets her annoying baby voice and body ticks from since her mother spewed out the same annoying tone. The family seemed a bit fake and a tad stepford like. Courtney then decided to take Ben to a park where she told him she always dreamed of getting married and decided they would have a faux wedding. This was incredibly awkward and to me juvenile especially watching Courtney fidget like and 8 year old about to give a speech in front of the class. She is bizarre.
As much as each week I complain about evil Courtney/Sybil this season would be boring if she wasn't on it. I mean who doesn't love a twisted evil psycho like the rest of us. She is last seasons Bentley.
Rose Ceremony
With only four girls remaining and these dates being so personal because now family is involved this was going to get emotional. Ben seemed genuinely nervous about hurting someone but this is how the show works he can't keep them all this show isn't called "Big Love". So roses to Courtney, Lindze and Nicki...oh no Kacie B. Anyone see when Nicki and Lindze are hugging her and Courtney doesn't know what to so on the side.
I thought that possibly Kacie B would be able to keep it together, nope I was dead wrong. Not only did we have the sobbing in the limo but our sweet sweet Kacie B was yelling into the camera, "What the F@$% just happened? and again "What the f#$!@ just happened?
You know what happened Kacie B. your parents just screwed you big time!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Bite Me Edward!!
This past weekend Breaking Dawn Part 1 was released. Ahhh the Twilight Saga - Edward, Bella & Jacob. If you know me at all you are aware that when I like something I am in 100%, whether this is clothes, food, music, tv, movies, etc.. When I feel passionately about something I really want someone I am sharing this with to get it as much as I do.
When I was first introduced to the Twilight Saga in February of 2008 I was skeptical that this would hold my interest, boy was I sorely mistaken. 5 days, 4 books and about 2500 pages later I had completed the Saga and started my decent into the madness of "Twilight" Myself, my sister-in-law Laura, and my sister in laws sister in laws (follow along - Beth & Ally would start an almost 5 year plan that including seeing the movies together, buying the dvd's when released and watching them together. Yes we were those "older" woman who purchased our tickets on Fandango to see the movie the weekend it was released. But being more mature and smarter than the rest we would purchase tickets for Saturday morning for the earliest showing. To us this was genius since we knew that the teenagers who would be seeing this movie would never get up at 8 am on a Saturday and since probably most of them didn't have their drivers license yet there was no way their parents were getting up to drive them. God were smart.
People are either all in with the Saga or can't understand how "we" are invested in this series. All I can tell you is that once you read the books ( the movies are not strong enough on their own) you will understand. And for me personally reading the books and picturing Robert Pattinson as Edward certainly helped the cause. These books were like crack to me, non-stop reading till the bitter end. When i was finished reading the books it actually was depressing that it was over. I actually got jealous when people were reading the series for the first time.
Like I said when I like something I am all in. I go through phases of cycles for example food, I ate the same sandwich 5 days a week everyday I worked when I lived in San Diego. Grilled chicken with melted cheese and extra mayo on a roll. At one point I started making pasta salad and would eat that religiously. I never get bored of eating the same thing. If I like a song I can listen to it 500 times in a row, if I like a movie I can watch that 500 times in a row (take "A Walk to Remember" ) I watched this movie almost 3x a week for like 6 months and cried every time. I also want people to not only watch but to love something as much as I do, I can't tell you how many people I made watch this movie. I was actually pissed when my friend Annemarie didn't cry. I mean she must not have been paying attention or something was wrong with her.
Which brings me to another topic, when I am watching these movies of tv shows I am completely immersed in them. I want to catch every detail. Whomever is watching these with me has a job to do, keep your mouth shut. This is an example of a situation that is not appropriate around me....I sit down to watch this weeks Vampire Diaries, in walks my husband who has never seen the show. "So are they like Edward, do they sparkle in the sun"? I don't look up. "Do they both like that Elena chick?" I still don't look up but I am starting to get annoyed and distracted by his ramblings. "Do their eyes change colors too when they need to feed?" With this I burst into my tirade that I too am watching this episode for the first time and the shows producers didn't send me the script in advance. I don't have special powers that allow me to hear over your annoying voice but I wish I did to make you disappear right now.
When we went to see Eclipse in the movie theater we brought a "friend" who shall remain nameless. This story is what you shouldn't do when you go to a movie with me. This "friend" decides to buy popcorn and a LARGE coke. Halfway through the movie tells me that they have to use the bathroom. I don't even look up because I am trying to understand why they are talking to me in the first place but how could you possibly go to the bathroom and miss part of the movie. Off my "friend" goes to the bathroom. Once returned this "friend" says, "so what did I miss?" Big mistake, this "friend" will never come to the theater with me again. End of story.
But I did allow this friend to watch the Breaking Dawn dvd with me this past weekend. Another mistake, this "friend" asked repeatedly what was going to happen next. People like this don't deserve to watch movies and tv shows with people like me. I am all for answering questions and explaining complicated plots to people who obviously can't focus but it will be on commercial breaks of after the film is over. No exceptions.
So next time you want to watch a movie or TV show with me, I'll hand you a piece of paper and a pen and you can write your questions down and we can discuss at the conclusion.
So next time you want to watch a movie or TV show with me, I'll hand you a piece of paper and a pen and you can write your questions down and we can discuss at the conclusion.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
They're just so vanilla....
As this season of The Bachelor is winding down with six girls left this episode is key. The girls and Ben are in Belize this week. The four remaining girls who get roses this episode will be bringing Ben to their hometowns and to meet their families. Of course this means this is the most important week yet and the girls really need to to open up to Ben and let them know how they really feel about him. The scary part is that Courtney/Sybil is still in the running to be Ben's bride.
The first one-on-one date is with Lindze...flash to magical helicopter ride and then a jump into a 500 ft ocean abyss. First of all I couldn't even think of getting into a helicopter that has no doors but them to be told I have to jump into this bottomless whole for no apparent reason...terrible idea, terrible date! I mean really who does Ben think he is making all these girls do the most ridiculous things that they are scared of to try and win his heart.
I do like Lindze she seems sincere and nice and good-natured and I think they could be a good match, I just haven't seen the "aha" moment yet.
Emily gets the next date and I actually really like Emily. I think she has a funny personality a bit witty and think she may actually be to humorous for serious Ben. The thing I don't like about Emily is her clothes. I think almost everything she puts on his horrendous.
Courtney/Sybil who threatened to leave if Ben didn't give her a date of course gets her way and gets the final single date. As she rubs it in the other girls faces with her chipmunk teeth I actually feel my dinner start to crawl up! Her voice, her body language her unjustified confidence makes me crazy. She has the gall to say that Ben needs to "Step his game up". Courtney/Sybil again uses her web to turn the tables on Ben so that he is convincing her to wait it out with him. Ben..why Ben, why are you so dumb? I want to punch you in the face.
At dinner you would think that Ben would finally smarten up and see this selfish psycho for who she really is. Instead he spews some crap about how he saw his past, present and future with her on their trek up the ruins. Ben you are ruined for life if you choose Courtney. Ben still doesn't really see how twisted she is when she basically goes on a tirade of how she doesn't like the other girls because they are boring and mean to her. This is justified proof that this person really is Sybil and medication is needed. Maybe for both of them.
Of course Courtney/Sybil has to gloat about her "win" and remarks for the cameras. "Snap girls, the show's over." "You can all go home now. Pack your bags." The finale of this rant is moving her hands like she is shooting the girls down. I literally want to throw something at the tv. On another note I think she is drunk like 80% of the show, always with a drink in her hand and slurring her words. I know a lot about this.
The group date is with Kacie B, Nicki and Snaggle tooth (Rachel) who get woken at 4:00 am already a crap ass way to start a date. What's in store for these lucky ladies who got up at the crack of ass...shark diving!!! I have nothing to say about this date worst one at this point. I would have put the bait down Ben's pants.
Kacie B and Nicki try to open Ben's eyes about Courtney/Sybil and tell him to"Tread Lightly", Ben's infamous words to Emily. Touche!!
At the rose ceremony Ben asks to speak to Courtney and asks her if she is here for the right reasons. Really Ben, do you think after weeks of lies and manipulation, getting naked and being drunk everyday she would show you her true colors and blow it now. Ben sends Snaggle tooth and Emily home. I really want to punch Ben in the face. You idiot.
Next week hometown dates...I have a feeling Courtney's family is probably as stuck up as she is.
And P.S., I don't understand how a grown woman actually utters the phrase "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
The first one-on-one date is with Lindze...flash to magical helicopter ride and then a jump into a 500 ft ocean abyss. First of all I couldn't even think of getting into a helicopter that has no doors but them to be told I have to jump into this bottomless whole for no apparent reason...terrible idea, terrible date! I mean really who does Ben think he is making all these girls do the most ridiculous things that they are scared of to try and win his heart.
I do like Lindze she seems sincere and nice and good-natured and I think they could be a good match, I just haven't seen the "aha" moment yet.
Emily gets the next date and I actually really like Emily. I think she has a funny personality a bit witty and think she may actually be to humorous for serious Ben. The thing I don't like about Emily is her clothes. I think almost everything she puts on his horrendous.
Courtney/Sybil who threatened to leave if Ben didn't give her a date of course gets her way and gets the final single date. As she rubs it in the other girls faces with her chipmunk teeth I actually feel my dinner start to crawl up! Her voice, her body language her unjustified confidence makes me crazy. She has the gall to say that Ben needs to "Step his game up". Courtney/Sybil again uses her web to turn the tables on Ben so that he is convincing her to wait it out with him. Ben..why Ben, why are you so dumb? I want to punch you in the face.
At dinner you would think that Ben would finally smarten up and see this selfish psycho for who she really is. Instead he spews some crap about how he saw his past, present and future with her on their trek up the ruins. Ben you are ruined for life if you choose Courtney. Ben still doesn't really see how twisted she is when she basically goes on a tirade of how she doesn't like the other girls because they are boring and mean to her. This is justified proof that this person really is Sybil and medication is needed. Maybe for both of them.
Of course Courtney/Sybil has to gloat about her "win" and remarks for the cameras. "Snap girls, the show's over." "You can all go home now. Pack your bags." The finale of this rant is moving her hands like she is shooting the girls down. I literally want to throw something at the tv. On another note I think she is drunk like 80% of the show, always with a drink in her hand and slurring her words. I know a lot about this.
The group date is with Kacie B, Nicki and Snaggle tooth (Rachel) who get woken at 4:00 am already a crap ass way to start a date. What's in store for these lucky ladies who got up at the crack of ass...shark diving!!! I have nothing to say about this date worst one at this point. I would have put the bait down Ben's pants.
Kacie B and Nicki try to open Ben's eyes about Courtney/Sybil and tell him to"Tread Lightly", Ben's infamous words to Emily. Touche!!
At the rose ceremony Ben asks to speak to Courtney and asks her if she is here for the right reasons. Really Ben, do you think after weeks of lies and manipulation, getting naked and being drunk everyday she would show you her true colors and blow it now. Ben sends Snaggle tooth and Emily home. I really want to punch Ben in the face. You idiot.
Next week hometown dates...I have a feeling Courtney's family is probably as stuck up as she is.
And P.S., I don't understand how a grown woman actually utters the phrase "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Up Up & Away.....
I envy the fact that as children we really have no sense of fear, not knowing the real ramifications of actions and things we do daily. As a child we will jump off the highest diving board, ski down the big hill , go on the tallest roller coaster. For me as an adult the realization of the "what ifs" slowly took over. What if I broke my neck diving in the pool, of crashed into a tree skiing, or I fell out of the roller coaster. Constantly thinking about the bad things that can happen in what are supposed to be enjoyable things.
Well anyone who knows me knows that as an adult I have a great fear and loathing for flying. Anyone who has actually been with me on flights has probably been scarred by my craziness. I wasn't an avid flyer growing up but did so without much fuss. I never particularly enjoyed flying but it wasn't an all consuming act.
I actually lived in California and would fly across the country alone back and forth multiple times. Then something happened and to this day I am not sure what..age, clarity, mental disorder...
As an adult the experience of flying became so overwhelmingly scary to me that is actual physically and mentally altered my being. My flying experiences started becoming overwhelming around 2000. Taking little tiny planes from Chicago to Appleton, Wisconsin in wind storms. One particular flight with my husband and my then 2 1/2 year old son. We were seated in the last 2 rows of the 8 aisle plane. My husband and son sitting behind me. The plane was bouncing all over and coming in to land sideways, I tried to keep cool for my son but when I turned around and saw a look of panic on my husbands face I thought to myself "Oh Shit!!". Of course my son loved every minute.
If you have ever been on a flight with me you know that your demeanor and reactions to any sort of bounce, plummet, noise, etc will directly effect my reaction. I have described my idea of flying as someones shmuck husband in control of the tin can with wings. What the hell is all the bing bing bings!!! I swear it's the crew's Morse code for disaster. Take off for me is the worst part, you can't have any electrically devices on to at least distract me. I took a page out of the movie "Say Anything" I do not truly breath until the fasten seat belt light goes off..Bing! Until this actual point I would get sweaty palms and truly had to concentrate on breathing so I didn't decent into some sort of full blown panic attack where they would have to land the plane and cart the crazy lady off.
And forget about going to the bathroom, there isn't a chance in hell that I am taking the chance that I will be in the closet of a bathroom and we hit turbulence and maybe trapped in the bathroom. Absolutely no fluids for me at all!!
One particular flight with a friend was about 3.5 hours, we were flying in rain and there was tons of turbulence. I basically sat in my seat in the same exact position willing myself not to have a panic attack. My poor friend just said to me "does it help if I talk to you or just let you be?" all I could grunt out was "nothing helps"
I think a lot of this anxiety has to do with not being in control, trusting other people, people I don't know and that don't know me. I mean my life, our lives are in complete control of a stranger and I can't wrap myself around this. This also happened to me in an mri machine. I had to get a brain scan and they slid me into this coffin like tube. The technician handed me a button and said if any issues press the button and I will get you out. I thought great an escape route, I was still nervous but went for it. I needed to be in there for 40 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started thinking about, what if there is a fire this lady doesn't care about me she will book out of here and I will be in this coffin holding a button. What do you think happened, I totally freaked pushed the button and she had to let me out. After a couple of minutes of me apologizing she explained I had to go back in. What why, isn't there another way. Nope get back in. Back in I went holding my button with dear life. I managed to breath my way through this ordeal but by the time I got out of there I needed like 1 or 12 drinks.
I then had planned a trip to China...ok 15 hours on a plane. How was I possibly going to breath my way through a 15 hour flight. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Xanax was recommended. I thought great something that will make me be able to fly like everyone else. Well not so fast...I had anxiety about taking the anxiety medicine. What happens if I take this and it has some weird side effect and I completely bug on out this 15 hour flight, what if it dopes me up so much I'm a drooling mess, what if it gives me a stroke. With only days before my trip I decided to try the xanax at home to see what happens..tick, tock, tick, tock...nothing happens, well nothing that I can tell.
On the day of my trip I pop that magic pill 20 minutes before my flight, sit in my seat, buckle up and read the Sky Mall magazine while we take off. Not to say that I wasn't nervous but I did feel a better sense of calmness and control but I was still waiting for my "Say Anything" bing!!! 15 hours later I landed in China, I survived without much fanfare it was a flying miracle.
While taking a flight between two different cities in China well that was a different story, popping my magic pill again I got on this tiny plane. When I realized that the seats were falling apart and there were cigarette butts on the plane I started to panic. No sky mall magazine to read for take-off next best thing eating. Since the people we were traveling with knew all about my flying freak-outs he says to me "what a little binge eating before the flight." Absolutely I needed to do something to get my mind of the fact that this tiny tin can was falling apart before my eyes and someone was smoking on this plane. What happens if they drop their cigarette and the plane catches fire or worse they are trying to give us directions and I can't understand what they are saying. I made it through this 1.5 hour flight.
On the flight home I don't know if it was sheer exhaustion or the pills really worked but I managed to get comfy basically lay on top of a stranger sitting next to me and fly like the wind all the way home.
It is a constant goal to try and overcome the fear I have in things that can stop enjoyable moments in my life. I enjoy traveling and the only way for me to get to these places is to get over my fear of flying. I feel like my trip to China pushed me to deal with this fear, and yes it's still not an enjoyable thing for me but I definitely feel like I pushed through something that was definitely crippling.
Feels like as an adult I am re-training myself to let go of the control issues and live without fear of things that may happen and just deal with what is supposed to happen...
Maybe that have cliff notes for this?
Well anyone who knows me knows that as an adult I have a great fear and loathing for flying. Anyone who has actually been with me on flights has probably been scarred by my craziness. I wasn't an avid flyer growing up but did so without much fuss. I never particularly enjoyed flying but it wasn't an all consuming act.
I actually lived in California and would fly across the country alone back and forth multiple times. Then something happened and to this day I am not sure what..age, clarity, mental disorder...
As an adult the experience of flying became so overwhelmingly scary to me that is actual physically and mentally altered my being. My flying experiences started becoming overwhelming around 2000. Taking little tiny planes from Chicago to Appleton, Wisconsin in wind storms. One particular flight with my husband and my then 2 1/2 year old son. We were seated in the last 2 rows of the 8 aisle plane. My husband and son sitting behind me. The plane was bouncing all over and coming in to land sideways, I tried to keep cool for my son but when I turned around and saw a look of panic on my husbands face I thought to myself "Oh Shit!!". Of course my son loved every minute.
If you have ever been on a flight with me you know that your demeanor and reactions to any sort of bounce, plummet, noise, etc will directly effect my reaction. I have described my idea of flying as someones shmuck husband in control of the tin can with wings. What the hell is all the bing bing bings!!! I swear it's the crew's Morse code for disaster. Take off for me is the worst part, you can't have any electrically devices on to at least distract me. I took a page out of the movie "Say Anything" I do not truly breath until the fasten seat belt light goes off..Bing! Until this actual point I would get sweaty palms and truly had to concentrate on breathing so I didn't decent into some sort of full blown panic attack where they would have to land the plane and cart the crazy lady off.
And forget about going to the bathroom, there isn't a chance in hell that I am taking the chance that I will be in the closet of a bathroom and we hit turbulence and maybe trapped in the bathroom. Absolutely no fluids for me at all!!
One particular flight with a friend was about 3.5 hours, we were flying in rain and there was tons of turbulence. I basically sat in my seat in the same exact position willing myself not to have a panic attack. My poor friend just said to me "does it help if I talk to you or just let you be?" all I could grunt out was "nothing helps"
I think a lot of this anxiety has to do with not being in control, trusting other people, people I don't know and that don't know me. I mean my life, our lives are in complete control of a stranger and I can't wrap myself around this. This also happened to me in an mri machine. I had to get a brain scan and they slid me into this coffin like tube. The technician handed me a button and said if any issues press the button and I will get you out. I thought great an escape route, I was still nervous but went for it. I needed to be in there for 40 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started thinking about, what if there is a fire this lady doesn't care about me she will book out of here and I will be in this coffin holding a button. What do you think happened, I totally freaked pushed the button and she had to let me out. After a couple of minutes of me apologizing she explained I had to go back in. What why, isn't there another way. Nope get back in. Back in I went holding my button with dear life. I managed to breath my way through this ordeal but by the time I got out of there I needed like 1 or 12 drinks.
I then had planned a trip to China...ok 15 hours on a plane. How was I possibly going to breath my way through a 15 hour flight. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Xanax was recommended. I thought great something that will make me be able to fly like everyone else. Well not so fast...I had anxiety about taking the anxiety medicine. What happens if I take this and it has some weird side effect and I completely bug on out this 15 hour flight, what if it dopes me up so much I'm a drooling mess, what if it gives me a stroke. With only days before my trip I decided to try the xanax at home to see what happens..tick, tock, tick, tock...nothing happens, well nothing that I can tell.
On the day of my trip I pop that magic pill 20 minutes before my flight, sit in my seat, buckle up and read the Sky Mall magazine while we take off. Not to say that I wasn't nervous but I did feel a better sense of calmness and control but I was still waiting for my "Say Anything" bing!!! 15 hours later I landed in China, I survived without much fanfare it was a flying miracle.
While taking a flight between two different cities in China well that was a different story, popping my magic pill again I got on this tiny plane. When I realized that the seats were falling apart and there were cigarette butts on the plane I started to panic. No sky mall magazine to read for take-off next best thing eating. Since the people we were traveling with knew all about my flying freak-outs he says to me "what a little binge eating before the flight." Absolutely I needed to do something to get my mind of the fact that this tiny tin can was falling apart before my eyes and someone was smoking on this plane. What happens if they drop their cigarette and the plane catches fire or worse they are trying to give us directions and I can't understand what they are saying. I made it through this 1.5 hour flight.
On the flight home I don't know if it was sheer exhaustion or the pills really worked but I managed to get comfy basically lay on top of a stranger sitting next to me and fly like the wind all the way home.
It is a constant goal to try and overcome the fear I have in things that can stop enjoyable moments in my life. I enjoy traveling and the only way for me to get to these places is to get over my fear of flying. I feel like my trip to China pushed me to deal with this fear, and yes it's still not an enjoyable thing for me but I definitely feel like I pushed through something that was definitely crippling.
Feels like as an adult I am re-training myself to let go of the control issues and live without fear of things that may happen and just deal with what is supposed to happen...
Maybe that have cliff notes for this?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Panama City Baby!!!
Ben and his remaining girls arrive in Panama City for this leg of their journey to everlasting undying love. Ben chooses Kacie B. for the one on one date, off they go on the infamous helicopter to a deserted island and do their best CASTAWAY impressions. I definitely think Ton Hanks could have also survived with a stuffed animal and gummi bears. As I have said before Kacie is sweet but I haven't really felt any real connection to her. I think her telling Ben about her eating disorder finally gave her substance. It is nice to know that she isn't just a Sweet Home Alabama girl.
Group Date:
Yes we all know group dates blow and that Courtney/Sybil thinks she is above these types of dates and will make them one on ones. Ben in a loin cloth was absurd...Courtney/Sybil shaking her ta ta's around the village even more absurd. She is tacky and awful and I really dislike her. Sorry I have to say this in every blog whenever possible. Actual Hate!!! Courtney/Sybil tries to turn this date into a one on one by telling Ben her room # and suggesting a rendezvous. Always trying to one up the other girls and offering herself up. Ben being a no show was awesome and I loved it, loved watching her get ready, putting lip gloss on her crooked lips only to be left sitting in her chair alone. But Courtney being Courtney tries to pull the sympathy card and say that this seems to happen to her with men things start good then...well b/c your a psycho and after they get over the novelty of your body they realize your personality is as exciting as dirt. Her feigning sadness is only because she got stood up and she didn't want to look like a fool. Nice to see her pushed down a bit.
Two on One Date
Next up Rachel and Blakely have to go through the dreaded date in which at the end one of these woman gets the boot. Blakely was over the moon to have this date, full of confidence and positivity. The 3 of them will be taking salsa lessons and with Blakely's intensive training in dance she feels super confident. Dressed in their best "Dancing with the Stars" outfits the girls each took turns dancing with Ben while the other just stood and watched. Sounds like such a fun date..this date sucks. Blakely used her background in dance to basically maul Ben by wrapping herself all around him and gyrating against him. So classy!!
With her private time alone with Ben Blakely wanted to show/tell Ben how much she cared for him Oh My...the SCRAPBOOK. This grown woman put together a scrapbook with pictures and words showing Ben what their lives would be together if they were together and she lived with him. Ben looked as horrified as I was watching this. A scrapbook...a stalker...a mad woman!! Ben had no choice but to send her on her way. I too would have chosen a snaggle tooth Rachel over this Glen Close mess any day. She too will have to take some xanax or something to be able to watch this episode with any diginity.
Busted:
Chris Harrison comes to the girls and asks to speak to Casey, he tell her has has heard from "sources" that she is in love with someone back home. Casey of course feigns shock and denies this. Chris using his detective like resources manages to get her to confess all in a matter of minutes. Again like I have said many of these woman are not rocket scientists. Casey starts to blabber "yes I love him but he won't marry me so I thought I would come on this show because I know Ben wants to get married so maybe someone will marry me" Huh ok Casey time to confess all to Ben..awkward walk with Chris to Ben's room. Ben of course is none to pleased, he lectures Casey how he had to send girls home who truly wanted to be there with him..like Glen Close, I mean Blakely. He sends her packing and we get to enjoy her limo ride where she is hysterically weeping that she wants to be married. Blink of an eye and you are gone!
Jaime oh Jaime, last week I didn't even know who you were and this week I wish this was still true. The most uncomfortable awkward attempt of seduction I have ever seen. This was so painful to watch and I am not really sure how she will recover watching this on television. Absolutely horrifying!
Emily's attempt to apologize to Courtney/Sybil was rebuffed. I actually get why she did it obviously to please Ben and make peace in the house for herself, but I would and could never have done this. Courtney/Sybil being her usual obnoxious shrew of a person basically told her to go scratch. I assume she doesn't care if she has any friends in the house because I can't imagine she has any true friends outside this show.
We got to end tonight's journey with Emily rapping again...why?? Why would you do this on television, no why would you do this at all? This is not funny, it's not cute your not good at it, it's long and absurd. Your Mouth..please keep it shut and maybe you too will get a magical helicopter ride.
Next week it seems that finally Ben confronts Courtney...this will defintely be entertaining but I know she will prevail and we will have to endure her twisted shrew like presence for the rest of this journey of love...
Group Date:
Yes we all know group dates blow and that Courtney/Sybil thinks she is above these types of dates and will make them one on ones. Ben in a loin cloth was absurd...Courtney/Sybil shaking her ta ta's around the village even more absurd. She is tacky and awful and I really dislike her. Sorry I have to say this in every blog whenever possible. Actual Hate!!! Courtney/Sybil tries to turn this date into a one on one by telling Ben her room # and suggesting a rendezvous. Always trying to one up the other girls and offering herself up. Ben being a no show was awesome and I loved it, loved watching her get ready, putting lip gloss on her crooked lips only to be left sitting in her chair alone. But Courtney being Courtney tries to pull the sympathy card and say that this seems to happen to her with men things start good then...well b/c your a psycho and after they get over the novelty of your body they realize your personality is as exciting as dirt. Her feigning sadness is only because she got stood up and she didn't want to look like a fool. Nice to see her pushed down a bit.
Two on One Date
Next up Rachel and Blakely have to go through the dreaded date in which at the end one of these woman gets the boot. Blakely was over the moon to have this date, full of confidence and positivity. The 3 of them will be taking salsa lessons and with Blakely's intensive training in dance she feels super confident. Dressed in their best "Dancing with the Stars" outfits the girls each took turns dancing with Ben while the other just stood and watched. Sounds like such a fun date..this date sucks. Blakely used her background in dance to basically maul Ben by wrapping herself all around him and gyrating against him. So classy!!
With her private time alone with Ben Blakely wanted to show/tell Ben how much she cared for him Oh My...the SCRAPBOOK. This grown woman put together a scrapbook with pictures and words showing Ben what their lives would be together if they were together and she lived with him. Ben looked as horrified as I was watching this. A scrapbook...a stalker...a mad woman!! Ben had no choice but to send her on her way. I too would have chosen a snaggle tooth Rachel over this Glen Close mess any day. She too will have to take some xanax or something to be able to watch this episode with any diginity.
Busted:
Chris Harrison comes to the girls and asks to speak to Casey, he tell her has has heard from "sources" that she is in love with someone back home. Casey of course feigns shock and denies this. Chris using his detective like resources manages to get her to confess all in a matter of minutes. Again like I have said many of these woman are not rocket scientists. Casey starts to blabber "yes I love him but he won't marry me so I thought I would come on this show because I know Ben wants to get married so maybe someone will marry me" Huh ok Casey time to confess all to Ben..awkward walk with Chris to Ben's room. Ben of course is none to pleased, he lectures Casey how he had to send girls home who truly wanted to be there with him..like Glen Close, I mean Blakely. He sends her packing and we get to enjoy her limo ride where she is hysterically weeping that she wants to be married. Blink of an eye and you are gone!
Jaime oh Jaime, last week I didn't even know who you were and this week I wish this was still true. The most uncomfortable awkward attempt of seduction I have ever seen. This was so painful to watch and I am not really sure how she will recover watching this on television. Absolutely horrifying!
Emily's attempt to apologize to Courtney/Sybil was rebuffed. I actually get why she did it obviously to please Ben and make peace in the house for herself, but I would and could never have done this. Courtney/Sybil being her usual obnoxious shrew of a person basically told her to go scratch. I assume she doesn't care if she has any friends in the house because I can't imagine she has any true friends outside this show.
We got to end tonight's journey with Emily rapping again...why?? Why would you do this on television, no why would you do this at all? This is not funny, it's not cute your not good at it, it's long and absurd. Your Mouth..please keep it shut and maybe you too will get a magical helicopter ride.
Next week it seems that finally Ben confronts Courtney...this will defintely be entertaining but I know she will prevail and we will have to endure her twisted shrew like presence for the rest of this journey of love...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
My Own Kind Of Groundhog Day!!!
Well today is Groundhog Day and that little creature they call Punxsutawney Phil of whatever you call him predicted another 6 weeks of winter. I don't know about any of you but I refer to my everyday life as Groundhog's Day and have been doing so for years. If I actually woke up to an alarm it would be playing Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" every morning. ( If you have ever seen 1993 "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray you get this reference.)
Not that I necessarily feel that this is a bad thing but also a lot to think about. Whether your a man, woman, work full-time, part-time, stay at home parent, with or without children life can seem repetitive??? Especially in the winter months when it's cold, gets dark early and I feel like I never see the light of day this Groundhog Day effect really sky rockets.
Do you question the idea of "Is this it, is this what I am going to be doing everyday forever"???
There is nothing more important to me than my family and friends but is it enough? I have lots of questions and thoughts on this topic and I know probably everyone feels differently.
I personally feel like in my 20's I worked and bounced around, different jobs, going out different places each night, events on the weekends. When you have no responsibilities accept for your job and your own well being for me it was a very freeing time. The important issues I tackled back then was where we were going for happy hour and what time would I have to leave to be able to catch the last train home. On weekends it would be how many hours would it be appropriate for me to lay in bed watching Lifetime before I had to get out of my pajamas. Would it be ok that I was eating Cup O' Soup for the 4th day in a row.
The next phase in life was having a family for me, my career goes on hold and all of a sudden you are thrusted into a cycle of repetitive behavior daily. Feedings every couple of hours, food in between, cleaning bottles, making bottles, changing diapers, making sure you are where you are supposed to be for nap time. Everything is scheduled. I am by nature a timely and organized person but definitely felt like this was a complete 180 for me. The feeling of not being able to get up and go when and where I wanted felt sufficating at first. Weekly trips to Babies R Us felt so exciting like I was a kid going to a candy store.
As time goes by you start thinking what about my work, I worked all these years building up my career and now what?? Do I stay home full-time or go back to work. What kind of job can I do that will allow me to be present for my family but also fill fulfilled. I know for different people these choices are easier, some just know that being home as a full-time parent is a job in itself and enough. Others I think like myself realize that staying home full-time is a really hard job and one that wasn't going to make me completely happy. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about this, why wasn't it enough for me when it was for some of my friends. Was I missing the motherly chip in my brain that should make this ok. I realized that this was ok for me, to want to be a mother and feel challenged in other areas.
Now that I work and have a family it meets some of my needs but it also brings along again what I refer to as The Groundhog Day Effect... every day you get up, get the kids ready get yourself ready go to work, come home from work, dinner, baths, laundry and next thing you know its time for bed. You lay yourself down and what feels like 20 minutes later "I Got You Babe" is blaring..back up get kids ready, get yourself ready...you get my point.
Each year at this time I find myself always thinking what's next...you obviously know your life will change after you have kids but once there here then what, what is the next cycle?? I think I have come to realize that maybe we have to figure out things to challenge ourselves to make the changes to make life exciting. Maybe that is what doing this blog is for me, or the piano lessons I took a couple of years ago, or the improv class, or the half written book I have on a zip drive...
I am not really sure what's next for me and this blog may be a bit of a rant but listening to Sonny & Cher and hearing that the little creature saw his shadow brought this topic to life today.
Happy Groundhog's Day!!
Not that I necessarily feel that this is a bad thing but also a lot to think about. Whether your a man, woman, work full-time, part-time, stay at home parent, with or without children life can seem repetitive??? Especially in the winter months when it's cold, gets dark early and I feel like I never see the light of day this Groundhog Day effect really sky rockets.
Do you question the idea of "Is this it, is this what I am going to be doing everyday forever"???
There is nothing more important to me than my family and friends but is it enough? I have lots of questions and thoughts on this topic and I know probably everyone feels differently.
I personally feel like in my 20's I worked and bounced around, different jobs, going out different places each night, events on the weekends. When you have no responsibilities accept for your job and your own well being for me it was a very freeing time. The important issues I tackled back then was where we were going for happy hour and what time would I have to leave to be able to catch the last train home. On weekends it would be how many hours would it be appropriate for me to lay in bed watching Lifetime before I had to get out of my pajamas. Would it be ok that I was eating Cup O' Soup for the 4th day in a row.
The next phase in life was having a family for me, my career goes on hold and all of a sudden you are thrusted into a cycle of repetitive behavior daily. Feedings every couple of hours, food in between, cleaning bottles, making bottles, changing diapers, making sure you are where you are supposed to be for nap time. Everything is scheduled. I am by nature a timely and organized person but definitely felt like this was a complete 180 for me. The feeling of not being able to get up and go when and where I wanted felt sufficating at first. Weekly trips to Babies R Us felt so exciting like I was a kid going to a candy store.
As time goes by you start thinking what about my work, I worked all these years building up my career and now what?? Do I stay home full-time or go back to work. What kind of job can I do that will allow me to be present for my family but also fill fulfilled. I know for different people these choices are easier, some just know that being home as a full-time parent is a job in itself and enough. Others I think like myself realize that staying home full-time is a really hard job and one that wasn't going to make me completely happy. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about this, why wasn't it enough for me when it was for some of my friends. Was I missing the motherly chip in my brain that should make this ok. I realized that this was ok for me, to want to be a mother and feel challenged in other areas.
Now that I work and have a family it meets some of my needs but it also brings along again what I refer to as The Groundhog Day Effect... every day you get up, get the kids ready get yourself ready go to work, come home from work, dinner, baths, laundry and next thing you know its time for bed. You lay yourself down and what feels like 20 minutes later "I Got You Babe" is blaring..back up get kids ready, get yourself ready...you get my point.
Each year at this time I find myself always thinking what's next...you obviously know your life will change after you have kids but once there here then what, what is the next cycle?? I think I have come to realize that maybe we have to figure out things to challenge ourselves to make the changes to make life exciting. Maybe that is what doing this blog is for me, or the piano lessons I took a couple of years ago, or the improv class, or the half written book I have on a zip drive...
I am not really sure what's next for me and this blog may be a bit of a rant but listening to Sonny & Cher and hearing that the little creature saw his shadow brought this topic to life today.
Happy Groundhog's Day!!
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