I envy the fact that as children we really have no sense of fear, not knowing the real ramifications of actions and things we do daily. As a child we will jump off the highest diving board, ski down the big hill , go on the tallest roller coaster. For me as an adult the realization of the "what ifs" slowly took over. What if I broke my neck diving in the pool, of crashed into a tree skiing, or I fell out of the roller coaster. Constantly thinking about the bad things that can happen in what are supposed to be enjoyable things.
Well anyone who knows me knows that as an adult I have a great fear and loathing for flying. Anyone who has actually been with me on flights has probably been scarred by my craziness. I wasn't an avid flyer growing up but did so without much fuss. I never particularly enjoyed flying but it wasn't an all consuming act.
I actually lived in California and would fly across the country alone back and forth multiple times. Then something happened and to this day I am not sure what..age, clarity, mental disorder...
As an adult the experience of flying became so overwhelmingly scary to me that is actual physically and mentally altered my being. My flying experiences started becoming overwhelming around 2000. Taking little tiny planes from Chicago to Appleton, Wisconsin in wind storms. One particular flight with my husband and my then 2 1/2 year old son. We were seated in the last 2 rows of the 8 aisle plane. My husband and son sitting behind me. The plane was bouncing all over and coming in to land sideways, I tried to keep cool for my son but when I turned around and saw a look of panic on my husbands face I thought to myself "Oh Shit!!". Of course my son loved every minute.
If you have ever been on a flight with me you know that your demeanor and reactions to any sort of bounce, plummet, noise, etc will directly effect my reaction. I have described my idea of flying as someones shmuck husband in control of the tin can with wings. What the hell is all the bing bing bings!!! I swear it's the crew's Morse code for disaster. Take off for me is the worst part, you can't have any electrically devices on to at least distract me. I took a page out of the movie "Say Anything" I do not truly breath until the fasten seat belt light goes off..Bing! Until this actual point I would get sweaty palms and truly had to concentrate on breathing so I didn't decent into some sort of full blown panic attack where they would have to land the plane and cart the crazy lady off.
And forget about going to the bathroom, there isn't a chance in hell that I am taking the chance that I will be in the closet of a bathroom and we hit turbulence and maybe trapped in the bathroom. Absolutely no fluids for me at all!!
One particular flight with a friend was about 3.5 hours, we were flying in rain and there was tons of turbulence. I basically sat in my seat in the same exact position willing myself not to have a panic attack. My poor friend just said to me "does it help if I talk to you or just let you be?" all I could grunt out was "nothing helps"
I think a lot of this anxiety has to do with not being in control, trusting other people, people I don't know and that don't know me. I mean my life, our lives are in complete control of a stranger and I can't wrap myself around this. This also happened to me in an mri machine. I had to get a brain scan and they slid me into this coffin like tube. The technician handed me a button and said if any issues press the button and I will get you out. I thought great an escape route, I was still nervous but went for it. I needed to be in there for 40 minutes. After about 5 minutes I started thinking about, what if there is a fire this lady doesn't care about me she will book out of here and I will be in this coffin holding a button. What do you think happened, I totally freaked pushed the button and she had to let me out. After a couple of minutes of me apologizing she explained I had to go back in. What why, isn't there another way. Nope get back in. Back in I went holding my button with dear life. I managed to breath my way through this ordeal but by the time I got out of there I needed like 1 or 12 drinks.
I then had planned a trip to China...ok 15 hours on a plane. How was I possibly going to breath my way through a 15 hour flight. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Xanax was recommended. I thought great something that will make me be able to fly like everyone else. Well not so fast...I had anxiety about taking the anxiety medicine. What happens if I take this and it has some weird side effect and I completely bug on out this 15 hour flight, what if it dopes me up so much I'm a drooling mess, what if it gives me a stroke. With only days before my trip I decided to try the xanax at home to see what happens..tick, tock, tick, tock...nothing happens, well nothing that I can tell.
On the day of my trip I pop that magic pill 20 minutes before my flight, sit in my seat, buckle up and read the Sky Mall magazine while we take off. Not to say that I wasn't nervous but I did feel a better sense of calmness and control but I was still waiting for my "Say Anything" bing!!! 15 hours later I landed in China, I survived without much fanfare it was a flying miracle.
While taking a flight between two different cities in China well that was a different story, popping my magic pill again I got on this tiny plane. When I realized that the seats were falling apart and there were cigarette butts on the plane I started to panic. No sky mall magazine to read for take-off next best thing eating. Since the people we were traveling with knew all about my flying freak-outs he says to me "what a little binge eating before the flight." Absolutely I needed to do something to get my mind of the fact that this tiny tin can was falling apart before my eyes and someone was smoking on this plane. What happens if they drop their cigarette and the plane catches fire or worse they are trying to give us directions and I can't understand what they are saying. I made it through this 1.5 hour flight.
On the flight home I don't know if it was sheer exhaustion or the pills really worked but I managed to get comfy basically lay on top of a stranger sitting next to me and fly like the wind all the way home.
It is a constant goal to try and overcome the fear I have in things that can stop enjoyable moments in my life. I enjoy traveling and the only way for me to get to these places is to get over my fear of flying. I feel like my trip to China pushed me to deal with this fear, and yes it's still not an enjoyable thing for me but I definitely feel like I pushed through something that was definitely crippling.
Feels like as an adult I am re-training myself to let go of the control issues and live without fear of things that may happen and just deal with what is supposed to happen...
Maybe that have cliff notes for this?
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